I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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