Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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