So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
