im drinking this country out of the recession.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
