Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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