There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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