The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
