is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
