Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
