Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
