oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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