He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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