dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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