that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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