be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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