So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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