How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
