If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
