her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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