I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
