everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
