Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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