I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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