Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy