im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.