Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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