True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.