he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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