A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
