I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
