He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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