i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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