when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
