Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
