the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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