i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
