Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
