It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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