So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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