dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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