matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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