I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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