matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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