Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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