WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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