Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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