halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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