checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
