I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
