I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
