What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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