My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
