I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
