Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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