I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think im going to throw up on grandma
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
