Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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